inside the mind of cas...

Sorry for the length...

Chief owns me. He doesn’t like the idea of me being owned, he refers to it as I belong to Him, but in all reality, He owns me. He is not a tyrant, but I am expected to please him and obey. He may listen and always bears in mind my needs and safety, but he still demands my submission and obedience.

But don’t think that just because he requires me to obey does not mean our relationship is a one way street. If I needed Chief to do something, he would do it. He wants to please me as well and to make me feel cherished.

But just as a quartermaster mans the wheel of the ship, so does he have consent to direct our relationship. I may say, “Sir, let’s check that over there”, and because Chief loves me, he would steer the ship that direction, but he still controls the rudder.

If I asked Chief to do something and he said “no” it would be because he had a reason for not doing it, even if it was something he simply didn’t want to do, I can’t imagine he would ever say “no” with the deliberate intention of hurting me. However, sometimes he doesn’t give me a reason for his response; he just says “no”.

He gets to do that, because he is in charge. He gets to make the decisions. If I don’t like it, I will tell him and he will listen. Sometimes he is swayed by me, but usually he is not. He has already taken my needs/wants/desires into account. But, even when he says “no” and I calmly explain my complaint, he remembers and listens to what I asked for. Sometimes he will give me something else later, something that satisfies my need but not necessarily in the way I had expected.

Now when he says “no” and I rebel against it or fly off the handle, he still listens but it doesn’t usually end well… usually it ends with me sniffling and rubbing my burning bottom and him still not caving.

But the funny thing is, if he doesn’t say “no” often enough, I start to get restless. It is those times when I might start asking for things that I know Chief will say “no” to, just for the comfort of hearing “no” and feeling protected and dominated, the comfort of having limits. Which brings me back to when I said he would never say “no” to deliberately hurt me; that is not entirely true because deliberately hurting is what punishment is? When he punishes me, he inflicts pain…sometimes physical, but always emotional.

And sometimes saying “no” is the most effective form of punishment, and or limit setting. It is not always about the spanking, but more often than not, it’s about the force of personality, the commanding presence, the stern look, the lecture… it’s about the power of words and sometimes that is saying “no”.

But that is what works for us. It is driven by my needs for limit setting, feeling strength, protection, romance… and my need for surrender. I need to hear “no” (whether it be arbitrary, decisive, or strong) in the same way I need his dominance in general. I crave it. With is I feel warm, loved, and submissive. Without, I feel lost, insecure and grumpy.

I need Chief to be in control, NEED it, not want, although I do want it as well. But just as I need to hear the word “no” and to be dominated, I also NEED to obey.

To me, obedience is not only a matter of respect for Chief and our relationship; it gives me a greater sense of security knowing that he is in charge of me. We consult each other on several things and discuss matters openly, but he is the Dom and I am the sub. He might consent to my desires and he might depend on my advice and my knowledge of things, but once he makes a final decision after we talked, than that is the way it is going to be, and I am expected to obey it.

By being obedient, I open myself to intimacy, trusting that he will do what is necessary for me and us. I don’t really submit to Chief out of fear; that is not the primary motivating factor for my obedience. It is true that the threat of a spanking or punishments always exist if I disobey, and the certainty of those consequences may motivate me, but my decision to obey is really a matter of respect and trust.

My submission to Chief stems from me knowing him so well and loving him so much, that I WANT to submit. I trust him not to abuse the authority I gave to him. It also fulfills my desire I have to be submissive to him and it would not be pure or as meaningful if it were something that was forced or came purely from obligation and/or duty to him.

Some people might think that if I am obedient to Chief, I lose my independence. It may be true that I lose some freedom of action, but doesn’t any relationship require the same? Neither is Chief free to do as he wishes. A relationship requires a sense of mutual obligation. However, if he requires me to behave or act in a certain way; I do so because I WANT to and because he has proven his commitment to me. By agreeing to obey him, I surrender to the discipline of our relationship. For me, it is not so much a sacrifice, as it is a way to connect to him in a deep and meaningful way and it is a way to show my love and respect for him.

I don’t understand how our relationship could work if it were based on equality. What does it mean for a man to be dominant if the submissive gets to pick and choose whether she submits to the Dom’s decisions? I am the first to tell you that it would weaken Chief’s authority and destroy the dynamic we have together. I have accepted my collar and in turn accepted Chief as my Dom. We have an understanding of “dominant” and “submissive” as equitable and complementary, not “superior” and “inferior”, and an acceptance of his right to sanction behavior that is harmful to the relationship or myself. This doesn’t mean mindless obedience either. He does not demand me to do something that is unethical or against my conscience.

And the fact that I obey him does not mean Chief isn’t held accountable as well. I will tell him when he has done something that I believe inappropriate and he wants me to tell him when I think he is screwing up. This is not contradictory; it is just part of a relationship. Feedback is important for growth. I can tell him things because I know he cares about me and values my opinion. I know he will take my feelings into account. And even though I bring this to his attention, it does not undermine his dominance or authority over me.

He is so confident in his role within our relationship, he is able to humbly accept my advice and yes, even my expression of disappointment in his actions. I would argue that any man who could not admit his failure and humble himself among his followers cannot be trusted and is not worthy of being a leader in the first place.

I cannot begin to express how grateful I am to have a Dom who loves me as much as Chief does; who isn’t afraid to tell me “NO”; who isn’t afraid to put his foot down and demand obedience; but at the same time, who isn’t afraid to admit when he is in the wrong and made a mistake. He is a gem, and I am rich. He might own me, but in turn he is also mine and I am eternally thankful. 

~cas[C]