Happy Anniversary Sir!

It may have been Friday the 13th to everyone else, but to me it was our anniversary of sorts. 5 months ago, I accepted the collar of the man I love. I am sooooo lucky to have him in my life. Despite all the brain tumors, hearing loss, stress and everything else, I am still so blessed and happy to have Chief in my life. 

I know that most people will never understand the idea of a D/s relationship, but for me, it is all I will ever have. My need to be submissive and to be dominated is just as much a part of me as my need to love and care for someone. It completes me. It is a safe feeling and it allows me to be free to be all that I am.

But not just anyone can be my demand my submission, in fact NOONE can demand it. It is a gift I choose to give. It is a gift to a special kind of man, chosen by me, and sent for me by God. It is a decision I do not take lightly, but one made after hours of thinking on it and praying and seeking God’s wisdom.

The man I call my Dom is one of a kind and even though I have given him my submission and accepted his collar, it is I who feels like he is the gift to me.

What makes him so special and worthy to be my Dom and my love?

First and foremost, he is a Christian and loves God with all his heart. He trusts Jesus and leans on Him, praying and reading His word, following Him and allowing God to guide him in his life. He is confident yet humble. He isn’t perfect, nor does he pretend to be. He is slow to anger and quick to listen. He is one of the most patient men I know, which for me is important, because I know I can be very strong-willed, stubborn, and trying at times.

He is firm but fair. He leads by example and always listens. He tries to provide for my every need and care as much as he can. He wants to shape me and help me become a better Christian and woman, seeing in me someone, who in his mind can achieve much higher and much greater than I can see. He believes in me more than I believe in myself. He takes great pride in my successes and he should because after all, he helped mold me. He sees it as his job to protect me, both from the outside world and from myself.

He hates to see me hurting and even though he hates to have to punish me, he knows it is something that is needed. This takes great strength on his part. It takes strength to shape me to his needs and desires; it takes strength to be my confidant, my shoulder, my anchor; it takes strength to let me out in the world when all he wants to do is hold me close in his arms; it takes strength to do what is needed when I have to be disciplined; it takes strength and he has it, and I am grateful and respect him for it.

He knows the value of discipline, though at times his soft heart gets the best of him and that is ok too. He knows that in order for me to be the best I can possibly be, he must be firm and follow through unless geared otherwise by circumstances. He uses God’s guidance, his personal experiences and wisdom in life and his ever growing knowledge of me to provide a proper direction and punishment when needed. He knows this hurts me and that my tears and my cries tear at his heart, but he also knows that it is for my own good.

He provides something else important as well… acceptance and security.

I am safe in his arms because he knows me, all of me and he still loves me. He knows my secrets, my nightmares, my horrors and of course my faults and it doesn't matter. To him, I am beautiful and he accepts every part of me as I do him. He works to emphasize the good in me while improving the bad. He loves me as much for who I am now as for who I will become in the future with his guidance. He would not and could not invest so much of himself in someone he did not love completely and I need to remember that when my insecurities start to haunt me.

This love would not be possible without respect. I need to give him the respect I have for him and show him the gratefulness in my heart for who he is and what he does. He should be able to be feel great pride in me. He needs to know that I can hold my own in the outside world but still submit to him. He holds the greatest respect for the gift I have given to him and he knows that I can choose to be with any man, but I choose him. I need to keep that in mind that he chose me as well. He knows that with that, it makes discipline a priority in our lives. I must trust him, but in order for me to do so, I must know that he means what he say and trust me, he does and it constantly deepens my respect for him. The discipline is also important when it comes to my protection. He is the one who makes the decisions about how I relate to the world in general, in our relationship and in my personal life and I need to remember that and honor that more than I do without struggling. His discipline ensures that I follow the rules he give me, making him the male authority in my life and he uses that power to enrich my life rather than crush it.

Thank you Jesus for giving him to me and help me to be the best sub I can be for him from now on. Help my respect for him match his love for me.

He is my earthly savior, my shining star sent down from heaven to guide me and lead me to where God wants me to be. He is my skin on God and I am truly blessed for I have found my lucky star, my compass on this deployment, my captain, my Quartermaster…

~cas[C]




Chief's Response


Baby this has been an amazing journey between the two of us, and although you have worn my collar for 5 months, you have been in my heart much longer. We have come so far and have so much further to go. With God’s help the skies are the limit.

You have permeated my soul and I thank God daily that you chose me to give your submission to.

That collar that I gave you and that you wear proudly is just a symbol of our love and how we take care of each other.

Some of the most amazing things (that I stand in awe as I watch)

1. Your selflessness. You are always there for me day and night and you serve me.

2. Your perseverance. Despite what life throws at you, you roll up your sleeves and face it boldly

3. Your strength. Mental strength, physical strength are both so strong. You and I know what you have gone through and you have bounced back

4. Your love for others. You love people so much and I follow your lead

5. Your love and faith in God. Without this the other four would not be possible.

As we celebrate this 5 month anniversary. I am reminded that we are such a great team and that’s why God put us together.

Happy Anniversary, I love you baby. Hugs

Chief [c]

Audio Responses on Spanking Tube... :)

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heavy foot = heavy paddling and more :(

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Rude Reflection = Red Reminders :(

The collar I wear symbolizes the love, devotion, respect, obedience, vows,and EVERYTHING that our relationship together means. He chose to give it to me and I chose to accept it. With that collar comes responsibilities on both our parts. And because I wear Chief's collar, I represent him in all that I do and say. 

Last week I did something very out of character for me; I was disrespectful to another Dom when he was trying to bring up my behavior in a chat room we were both in. I could list my reasons, but they are unimportant, what is important is I got defensive and snapped back at him treating him rudely. 

In those maybe 7 minutes or less of time, I managed to not only be disrespectful to someone who was only trying to help and was a Dom to boot, but also disrespected Chief by representing him in a bad manner. He should have pride in his sub, not be ashamed of me. 

I would like to first apologize to the Dom I talked to (his name shall remain anonymous) for treating him rudely. My actions were uncalled for and inappropriate. Let it be known to you that I was paddled long and hard with my wooden bath brush; an implement I abhor immensely, but remains a very effective tool. :( I am both repentant and extremely sore as I write this. Please forgive me and be assured that Chief not only took care of it but that I have learned from it as well. 

Next, I would like to apologize to Chief. I love you so much and you bend over backwards to be there for me in whatever way you can, whether it be giving me a shoulder to cry on or a knee to cry over and I want nothing more than to bring you joy and pride in knowing I am yours. My actions are a direct reflection of you and even though this is a very rare occurrence for me, I feel horrible that I represented you in that way.  My goal is for you to be able to beam with pride in owning me not embarrassed and upset. Please forgive me Sir. I have learned my lesson and it will not happen again. I love you more than myself. 

~cas[C]

Update...

I am not sure who if any reads or follows our blog, but for those of you who do I apologize for not posting much if any lately. Things have been kinda crazy in our lives.        

On top of everyday life struggles, I recently found out that the cause of my hearing loss was not what they originally had diagnosed me with, but instead was caused by 2 brain tumors on and around my acoustic nerve on both sides of my head.

While this is good news in that now I know what actually caused it and that it is non cancerous and treatable, it is still dangerous and extremely stressful. I am currently undergoing radiation therapy, which is physically, mentally and emotionally challenging. The process itself doesn't hurt at all, but the effects it is having on me are hard to deal with. I have lost all my hair including my eyebrows yesterday (which I wasn't prepared for those) because the radiation is on my head as well as it makes me very fatigued and weak.          

I have been relaxing and taking a break from focusing on the blog. There will be occasional updates here and there but for the next several weeks they will not be regular as before.   

Thank you for your support and understanding. I hope you still continue to read, enjoy and possibly even learn from the blog.   

Oh an FYI... even though I am under a lot of stress with all this, I am still being held accountable for my actions. Translation... my bottom is not being spared just because my brain is being treated. LOL Sometimes, it just takes a little longer to get to my punishments than we would like because I might be too weak or tired at that time, but trust me, they still get addressed eventually.            

However, Chief is being so supportive and understanding. I would not be able to do this without him and I am eternally grateful for his love and everything. Thank you Sir, I love you buzz! :) 

~cas[C]


Baby,


I have never been prouder of you during this time. Your strength and resilience amazes me. You handle struggles better than anyone I have ever met. I promise that we make it through this speed bump together. (holds out my hand) Take my hand baby and let me lead you through this. If you can't walk, I will carry you. 


Don't worry about the blog, this is low on the priority list compared to all the things we need to take care of. We will update when you are feeling better.


-Chief [c]

Disney Discipline

On top of my fridge I have Mickey and Minnie Mouse stuffed animals that match my kitchen decor. Being the spanko that I am, I decided to arrange them in a way that would make Chief laugh, think it was cute and in turn thinking I was cute so it would hopefully fulfill my attempt in softening him up for my upcoming punishment I had coming today. 

Did he laugh? 

Yes! 

Did he think it was cute?

Yes!

Did he think I was cute? 

Yes! 

Did it work to soften it up? 

HELL NO! 

*grumbles... but I still think the pic is worth sharing even tho he did not take it easy on me. I am posting this on my tummy as I lay here with a burning bottom, but I am so very grateful and blessed to have such a loving yet firm Dom who takes the time to correct me when I need it. Thank you and I love you Sir! :)

~cas[C]

A reply to cas,


It was funny babe and you are too cute, but I will repeat my comments from this morning "It looks like we have eyes on us and they are not only watching us, but following our example too. Since it clearly appears that I am a role model and influential to Mickey's understanding of this lifestyle, I will just have to make sure to show him how it is done and let him know that follow through and being firm are essential don't you agree? I mean you wouldn't want to let them down and steer them in the wrong direction would you?"

Chief [c]

Sleep eludes her!

Sleep have been a struggle between cas and I ever since I met her. Her first spanking I ever gave her was over me extending her bed time and the next morning when she had to get up at 5 am. I found out that she stayed up till like 4 am. When I asked her if she went to bed on time, she admitted she didn't.  When I asked her what time she went to bed, she came back with some attitude saying, “what does it matter?” Well all that got her was a red bottom and some lines.

Fast forward to now and she not only pulled an all nighter, but then missed work. That is unacceptable for a woman. I would expect that from a teen but not a grown woman. I was livid. She had to apologize to her boss in writing.

A hint for tomorrow!

Tomorrow morning I am going to roll up my sleeves and I can guarantee that her bottom will be black and blue. I do not put up with irresponsible behavior like this.

Tomorrow I will post what exactly I punished her with. It is not going to be for the faint of heart and she will be sleeping on her tummy tomorrow night.

    

Chief[c]                

                                                                                               

slumber blunder...

Let me start by saying I struggle with sleep and I tend to fight it with everything in me, I don’t know why but I do, especially when Chief is not here.

Chief was gone camping with some buddies this weekend while I stayed home. Now granted, I don’t have a bedtime on the weekends, but that still means I need to get to bed at a reasonable hour and attempt to get some sleep.

Friday night I didn't do that. I was missing Chief, I didn't take my pills and I was chatting in the D/s room on paltalk I just found. I tend to fight sleep anyways but with me chatting it was easy to lose track of time. Occasionally I would think “wow it is getting late, I should get to bed” but would stay a bit longer and then plan to get off.

The thing is… time got away from me and before I knew it, the sun was coming up. It was around 6:00 am before I got off the computer and yes I was very tired. I knew Chief was calling me at 7 to talk on his morning walk and so I didn’t want to fall asleep before that, so I took a shower to try to wake myself up.

He called and of course he immediately asked “How did you sleep?” At first I tried to trick him and answered back with “Well it wasn’t a good night”, but he was too smart for that and once again asked how I slept. I was planning on telling him anyways but I was trying to postpone it. I told him and of course he was pretty upset and rightfully so. I knew I was in trouble and come Monday I was gonna be hurting.

When I got off of the phone with him I decided to lay down for a very little bit. This is the part of the post where I need to also say that I was supposed to work at the zoo today, helping out with a special event. Because I knew I would sleep hard, I made sure that my phone alarm was not only near my head so I could feel the vibrations and wake up like normal, but I also made sure it was actually touching my head. There was no way I would not feel this and wake up in time.

That was probably true, except for the fact that in my sleepiness, I set my alarm for pm instead of am. My alarm never went off, and I never woke up. When I finally did wake, it was way past the time I needed to go in to work and the event was almost over. I was mortified! I do not miss work and people were counting on me. I emailed my boss and let her know what happened. Then took a deep breath and texted Chief. I was somewhat vague but within minutes he called and demanded the whole story.

Let me tell you… if you thought I was in trouble with the not sleeping thing that is nothing compared to the now combined trouble of missing work. He was so disappointed in me, I let myself down, him down and everyone at the zoo down. While on the phone, my boss emails me back telling me that it is ok, not to worry about it and that these things happen. I was shocked but grateful. Chief was relieved but in no way calmed by it. He replied “She may be being nice, but I am not going to” I shuddered.

Nothing he can say can make me feel worse than I already do, but that doesn’t mean it is not his job to lecture and correct me regardless, and trust me lecture and correct is what he will do. I cannot believe I was that irresponsible and immature and I know that whatever punishment I have coming tomorrow is justified, deserved and needed.

I never want to make that same mistake again and I know that with Chief’s help I won’t. I know that my bottom is not the only thing that is going to pay tomorrow. I know that I will have stricter rules set and he will watch me more carefully and that reassures me of both his love and his care for me to succeed.

I already have set my phone to military time so that the am/pm mix up will never happen again, but I know that we will be having a long discussion on what else needs to change to prevent not only me staying up all night again, but me being so irresponsible that by staying up I missed work. I am assuming my no weekend bedtime is a thing of the past.

I am truly remorseful and want to change so I will take this punishment humbly and obediently, even though I am so nervous I can barely type. Chief I am sorry I disappointed you and I will assure you that this will never happen again. I know you forgive me but I still need to pay for what I did and I also need to in time forgive myself. Thank you for loving me in spite of my irresponsibility and carelessness and for wanting to do everything you can to help me better myself and succeed. I could not ask for a better friend, lover or Dom. I am on my knees before you and I love you with all my heart. 

~cas[C]

And it burns, burns, burns... the cream of fire!

Before I even start my post I would like to apologize for not writing anything the last two weeks. Our lives have been crazy busy and intense. I will try to be better at keeping the blog more up to date from now on. Now to the post... this is response to my silent spanking on Tuesday that he posted about, I am just not getting to it. 

OH MY GOODNESS!!! Note to self and warning to all others reading… Capsaicin Cream is EVIL!!! 

I am not going into what I did, but it was something worse than normal. We both knew the punishment could not wait as I was already beating myself up over it and my heart was burning inside from the hurt and mess I caused, as was Chief's heart as well I imagine. The problem was that we have been so busy that between my doctor’s appointments and his meetings, we had to resort to an alternative. 

Now I have had lines to write, and soap or Tabasco in the mouth, grounding, you name it, but this needed to have the feel of a spanking even though we didn’t have the time. The hand spanking was a quick one but still hurt, anyone who says “just a hand spanking” has never really gotten one I think. Anyways, I knew what was coming after. It has been years since I have had something this extreme on my bottom. I do occasionally get Icy Hot after a spanking, but let me be the first to tell you that Icy Hot ain’t got nothing on this stuff.

At first it didn’t burn at all, it actually soothed it and felt nice, but I knew that it would soon change. He had to leave for a meeting but as I waited for the fire to start, he made me sit on a hardwood chair and not move until he told me too. It took about 30-40 minutes to kick in and eventually the burning sensation started slowly and continued to increase steadily and painfully. 

For those who have never gotten this horrible treatment, I will tell you that it feels like there is a match under my bottom, like I am sitting on red hot coals. My bottom was on fire, just as my heart and his heart was from my actions. 

It finally got to the point where I was texting him like crazy telling him of the flaming heat and eventually calling him crying and pleading for him to let me wash it off. The burning was so intense. He listened to my cries but still would not let me get off the chair for about 45 minutes. 

When he finally said I could get up and wash it off, I ran and got the milk. The only thing on my mind was washing this cream off my smoldering bottom. Water will soothe but it doesn't take it off and only lasts a few seconds. The only way we have found that works is taking a glass of milk and a rag and soaking the rag over and over again in the milk and rubbing and washing your bottom with it. The relief is instant but it still takes a lot to wash it all off. At first I thought I had gotten it all off because it felt so good, but about 15 minutes later it started burning again, not as bad but still. After more milk, my bottom was finally back to almost normal. 

I still felt it a little but not enough to be unbearable, just enough to serve as a reminder the rest of the day. I am here to say that I will do everything in my power to try to avoid this type of punishment in the future. However, I am thankful that he was able to take care of it and loves me enough to not put it off until we could get to it. I am sorry Sir, thank you and I love you. 

~cas[C]

Time Crunch

There are some things that cas needs corrections for occasionally and it is time sensitive so we need to take care of it right away however, with our busy lives, our time apart and deadlines to meet sometimes we need to take care of her attitude or behavior another way.  Today is such a day. I told her to go to the store and get some Capsaicin Cream and have it ready for this afternoon. She is going to get a quick over my knee hand spanking then (with rubber gloves) I am applying a little pea size drop of this wicked cream on each cheek of her bottom. In a half hour she will be squirming and begging for me to let her wash it off. Depending on how I feel it will be a while before I tell her to get a cup of milk and wash her bottom. (That is the only way to stop it we have found). This punishment is used sparingly because of its intensity, but today with all my meetings and her busy schedule it’s the only way we can get this done. Sorry baby.

inside the mind of cas...

Sorry for the length...

Chief owns me. He doesn’t like the idea of me being owned, he refers to it as I belong to Him, but in all reality, He owns me. He is not a tyrant, but I am expected to please him and obey. He may listen and always bears in mind my needs and safety, but he still demands my submission and obedience.

But don’t think that just because he requires me to obey does not mean our relationship is a one way street. If I needed Chief to do something, he would do it. He wants to please me as well and to make me feel cherished.

But just as a quartermaster mans the wheel of the ship, so does he have consent to direct our relationship. I may say, “Sir, let’s check that over there”, and because Chief loves me, he would steer the ship that direction, but he still controls the rudder.

If I asked Chief to do something and he said “no” it would be because he had a reason for not doing it, even if it was something he simply didn’t want to do, I can’t imagine he would ever say “no” with the deliberate intention of hurting me. However, sometimes he doesn’t give me a reason for his response; he just says “no”.

He gets to do that, because he is in charge. He gets to make the decisions. If I don’t like it, I will tell him and he will listen. Sometimes he is swayed by me, but usually he is not. He has already taken my needs/wants/desires into account. But, even when he says “no” and I calmly explain my complaint, he remembers and listens to what I asked for. Sometimes he will give me something else later, something that satisfies my need but not necessarily in the way I had expected.

Now when he says “no” and I rebel against it or fly off the handle, he still listens but it doesn’t usually end well… usually it ends with me sniffling and rubbing my burning bottom and him still not caving.

But the funny thing is, if he doesn’t say “no” often enough, I start to get restless. It is those times when I might start asking for things that I know Chief will say “no” to, just for the comfort of hearing “no” and feeling protected and dominated, the comfort of having limits. Which brings me back to when I said he would never say “no” to deliberately hurt me; that is not entirely true because deliberately hurting is what punishment is? When he punishes me, he inflicts pain…sometimes physical, but always emotional.

And sometimes saying “no” is the most effective form of punishment, and or limit setting. It is not always about the spanking, but more often than not, it’s about the force of personality, the commanding presence, the stern look, the lecture… it’s about the power of words and sometimes that is saying “no”.

But that is what works for us. It is driven by my needs for limit setting, feeling strength, protection, romance… and my need for surrender. I need to hear “no” (whether it be arbitrary, decisive, or strong) in the same way I need his dominance in general. I crave it. With is I feel warm, loved, and submissive. Without, I feel lost, insecure and grumpy.

I need Chief to be in control, NEED it, not want, although I do want it as well. But just as I need to hear the word “no” and to be dominated, I also NEED to obey.

To me, obedience is not only a matter of respect for Chief and our relationship; it gives me a greater sense of security knowing that he is in charge of me. We consult each other on several things and discuss matters openly, but he is the Dom and I am the sub. He might consent to my desires and he might depend on my advice and my knowledge of things, but once he makes a final decision after we talked, than that is the way it is going to be, and I am expected to obey it.

By being obedient, I open myself to intimacy, trusting that he will do what is necessary for me and us. I don’t really submit to Chief out of fear; that is not the primary motivating factor for my obedience. It is true that the threat of a spanking or punishments always exist if I disobey, and the certainty of those consequences may motivate me, but my decision to obey is really a matter of respect and trust.

My submission to Chief stems from me knowing him so well and loving him so much, that I WANT to submit. I trust him not to abuse the authority I gave to him. It also fulfills my desire I have to be submissive to him and it would not be pure or as meaningful if it were something that was forced or came purely from obligation and/or duty to him.

Some people might think that if I am obedient to Chief, I lose my independence. It may be true that I lose some freedom of action, but doesn’t any relationship require the same? Neither is Chief free to do as he wishes. A relationship requires a sense of mutual obligation. However, if he requires me to behave or act in a certain way; I do so because I WANT to and because he has proven his commitment to me. By agreeing to obey him, I surrender to the discipline of our relationship. For me, it is not so much a sacrifice, as it is a way to connect to him in a deep and meaningful way and it is a way to show my love and respect for him.

I don’t understand how our relationship could work if it were based on equality. What does it mean for a man to be dominant if the submissive gets to pick and choose whether she submits to the Dom’s decisions? I am the first to tell you that it would weaken Chief’s authority and destroy the dynamic we have together. I have accepted my collar and in turn accepted Chief as my Dom. We have an understanding of “dominant” and “submissive” as equitable and complementary, not “superior” and “inferior”, and an acceptance of his right to sanction behavior that is harmful to the relationship or myself. This doesn’t mean mindless obedience either. He does not demand me to do something that is unethical or against my conscience.

And the fact that I obey him does not mean Chief isn’t held accountable as well. I will tell him when he has done something that I believe inappropriate and he wants me to tell him when I think he is screwing up. This is not contradictory; it is just part of a relationship. Feedback is important for growth. I can tell him things because I know he cares about me and values my opinion. I know he will take my feelings into account. And even though I bring this to his attention, it does not undermine his dominance or authority over me.

He is so confident in his role within our relationship, he is able to humbly accept my advice and yes, even my expression of disappointment in his actions. I would argue that any man who could not admit his failure and humble himself among his followers cannot be trusted and is not worthy of being a leader in the first place.

I cannot begin to express how grateful I am to have a Dom who loves me as much as Chief does; who isn’t afraid to tell me “NO”; who isn’t afraid to put his foot down and demand obedience; but at the same time, who isn’t afraid to admit when he is in the wrong and made a mistake. He is a gem, and I am rich. He might own me, but in turn he is also mine and I am eternally thankful. 

~cas[C]

A lecture was more than enough

The power of words will impact more than any form or physical force and this has been known from the beginning of time. Think of the impact of “Fore score and seven years ago” or “I have a dream” or even “Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country”. Those words were surrounded by a lot of violence and physical force, but what has stood the test of time were the words that were spoken not so much the actions that people did.

Now cas woke up on the wrong side of the bed and foul mood and temper were more than I could handle. I will not go into details but when I walked out to cool my brain, I think that’s when she realized that she had messed up. She went for a walk too to reflect the morning’s interaction between us, sat and wrote this incredible poem that not only she posted but also read to me.

When I got home there was a note to check the blog and I listened to it while reading along, and although I really liked it, I was still livid. She came home meek and quiet and when I saw her that is when I laid into her. The words that came rolling off my tongue were a compilation of feelings and emotions that had been bottled up for some time. The words were sharp as arrows and as I said each sentence I could see the hurt in her eyes grow to the breaking point.

It started with a single tear running from the inside of her eye down her cheek and grew until she was a blubbering, sniffling mess. She dropped to her knees and begged forgiveness and at that point I could see that she was completely broken, it was time to stop the lecture, the lecture that hurt her very soul, and reduced her to a point of surrender.

I reached down at that point pulled her to her feet, hugged her and tried to console her. This did not work at first and she didn’t stop blubbering to the point my shirt was soaked as she pressed her face against it. Finally after quite a bit of time she started to wind down (I think she ran out of tears) she sniffed a bit and said sorry one last time. I told her, “it’s ok baby, it’s ok” I realized then that my words were more than enough to handle this situation.

Chief [c]

i'm sorry Sir... (a poem by me)

I know I've let you down Sir, 

Caused more pain than you let show;

I can sit and say I'm sorry,

But it’s not enough I know.

You deserve much more

Than what I put you through;

But if you give me one more chance

I swear I’ll make it up to you...

There is nothing I can say that will erase the hurt I gave you;

I only ask for your forgiveness and faith in me to start anew.

I know that you need more from me, and time and again I always fail;

And maybe I'm not right for you, but I'm begging, please don’t bail.

I know that there are times where I act so selfishly;

I don’t treat you like I need to and my views are all I see.

But that is not what I desire and surely not what you deserve;

You give me more than I can ask for and now its time for me to serve.

I want to give you pleasure and to shower you with love;

Then moments like this morning come, times I'm not proud of.

I do not know what comes over me or what goes through my mind;

Its like my ears can hear again, but my eyes go blind.

I lose focus on the gift God gave me, the gift I don’t deserve;

The gift I need to love and cherish, the gift I should preserve.

So here is my new promise, my pledge, my word, my vow;

To honor, obey, respect and serve this gift that I have now.

If you wonder who or what this gift is, by now it should be clear;

Look no further from yourself my Sir, for it is you that I hold dear.

I love you so much and I'm really sorry Sir, please forgive me. 

~cas[C]

Credit = Money you don’t have

I am not going to get into cas’ financial situation, all I will say is that she doesn’t have a lot of spending cash. She is on a tight budget. So thirty-six bucks may not be much for some but like a lot of people who go paycheck to paycheck, that money could fill a gas tank or food toward the end of the month. I also have a philosophy that debt = slavery. I think that people should not go into debt for any reason except a house and your first car. (If you want I can explain my philosphy on living debt free, I have taught it to a lot of people and have changed lives. Just shoot me an email at qmc2112@gmail.com) So a while back cas and I talked (and yes we BOTH talked). I decided that she would not use the card without my permission.

Then comes the dreaded text, “Chief, please check our blog out.” I check it and let me just say, I was furious. For those who checked it out right when it got posted saw what she spent the money on. I had her change it because it wasn’t anyone’s business. But I can say it was absolutely worthless. I got her on the phone and told her that I was going to beat her butt.

Yesterday, I made the trip to her house and told her on my way to have the spray bottle and bath brush ready. It started with an intense lecture that included the three areas I thought she messed up with. One: She didn’t have the money to spend on such a wasted item. Two: She didn’t ask me to use the card, because in her words, “You would say no!” which to me was defiant.  And three: She kept it from me for days which in my book, “keeping the truth from me” is the same thing as “lying to me”. The lectured ended with her having to add $36 dollars to next month’s payment to her credit card.  

Before and After

Then I had her bend over the bed. I sprayed her bottom good and wet, and brought that brush down with a lot of force thirty six times on her bare bottom for the dollar amount and then some more for the defiance and lying. The sound was echoing off the walls and I ignored all her cries, pleas and begging. From the first smack her bottom showed signs of bright red circle and by the end it was already starting to bruise. I didn’t take pictures but she was blubbering pretty hard on the bed.

I comforted her and told her that it was over as I rubbed her back. She cleaned herself up and an hour after the spanking we had lunch and every time she winced as she sat all I could think of was she learned her lesson and she truly understands that she doesn’t need to spend money she doesn’t have and to never lie to me again.

Chief[c]

Guilty Conscience ... :(

I pride myself on being honest. It is a very rare thing that I withhold the truth, especially from Chief. However, on occasion it does happen. And this is one of them, well kind of. I have not lied directly, but I have been keeping a secret the last few days that is eating me up inside.

As I have written before, I had been struggling with my submission the last month or so and just last week, we had a break thru and I was able to reconnect with it. That being said I know I am not perfect and I have gotten in trouble since, which will be dealt with next week. But I also made another mistake I am not proud of and since we have reunited in the D/s aspect of our relationship, it pains me even more to bring such disappointment to him. Also this week, we have been away from each other and had limited contact, something which is very hard for me to endure and I have been missing him dearly. So because of all that I have been holding it in, and even now I still cannot bring myself to tell him directly and so I am going to use this blog as my messenger…

I have this credit card, a credit card that I am not supposed to use except for emergency situations. He has made it VERY clear that it only be used for that purpose and especially never for something that I only want but do not need.  I know this; I know this well and yet a couple days ago, I totally went against that.

Well, I have been wanting to buy this specific thing for a long time now but knew that I didn’t have the money and that Chief would so not approve me using my credit card on something so unnecessary and foolish. I knew he would say “no” but I chose to do it anyways, without asking.

So without his knowledge, I spent the 34.99 I wasn't allowed to spend and bought it. I know what you might be saying…“that really isn’t a lot of money, it could have been a lot more, or that is not too bad”. But the thing is, it doesn’t really matter how much it was, it is the fact that I chose to do this on my own, not only did I not ask, I also knew full well that the answer would have been “NO”.

I think that somewhere in my pretty but not so smart brain of mine, I thought that if I didn’t ask, that if he didn’t actually tell me no flat out for this particular purchase, that it would somehow make it justified. It doesn’t and I knew it then and I still know it now.

Granted, the purchase is great and all and I enjoy it, but the fact still remains that I not only disobeyed Chief, but I did so deliberately and defiantly, knowing he would not have approved it and knowing I was not to use the card unless it was either an emergency or it was cleared thru him.

The guilt has been killing me for days and I can’t take it anymore. I am sorry Sir, I never should have used the card, and especially over something I didn’t need at all. And on top of that, I should have told you the minute I used it, instead of waiting several days to come clean. 

I know there will be consequences, for both things, and I am fully prepared to take them without begging or fighting. I am repentant before you, sincerely apologizing and humbly kneeling with my head hung low. Forgive me Sir, please forgive me. 

~cas[C]