Sunday, May 20, 2012

slumber blunder...


Let me start by saying I struggle with sleep and I tend to fight it with everything in me, I don’t know why but I do, especially when Chief is not here.

Chief was gone camping with some buddies this weekend while I stayed home. Now granted, I don’t have a bedtime on the weekends, but that still means I need to get to bed at a reasonable hour and attempt to get some sleep.

Friday night I didn't do that. I was missing Chief, I didn't take my pills and I was chatting in the D/s room on paltalk I just found. I tend to fight sleep anyways but with me chatting it was easy to lose track of time. Occasionally I would think “wow it is getting late, I should get to bed” but would stay a bit longer and then plan to get off.

The thing is… time got away from me and before I knew it, the sun was coming up. It was around 6:00 am before I got off the computer and yes I was very tired. I knew Chief was calling me at 7 to talk on his morning walk and so I didn’t want to fall asleep before that, so I took a shower to try to wake myself up.

He called and of course he immediately asked “How did you sleep?” At first I tried to trick him and answered back with “Well it wasn’t a good night”, but he was too smart for that and once again asked how I slept. I was planning on telling him anyways but I was trying to postpone it. I told him and of course he was pretty upset and rightfully so. I knew I was in trouble and come Monday I was gonna be hurting.

When I got off of the phone with him I decided to lay down for a very little bit. This is the part of the post where I need to also say that I was supposed to work at the zoo today, helping out with a special event. Because I knew I would sleep hard, I made sure that my phone alarm was not only near my head so I could feel the vibrations and wake up like normal, but I also made sure it was actually touching my head. There was no way I would not feel this and wake up in time.

That was probably true, except for the fact that in my sleepiness, I set my alarm for pm instead of am. My alarm never went off, and I never woke up. When I finally did wake, it was way past the time I needed to go in to work and the event was almost over. I was mortified! I do not miss work and people were counting on me. I emailed my boss and let her know what happened. Then took a deep breath and texted Chief. I was somewhat vague but within minutes he called and demanded the whole story.

Let me tell you… if you thought I was in trouble with the not sleeping thing that is nothing compared to the now combined trouble of missing work. He was so disappointed in me, I let myself down, him down and everyone at the zoo down. While on the phone, my boss emails me back telling me that it is ok, not to worry about it and that these things happen. I was shocked but grateful. Chief was relieved but in no way calmed by it. He replied “She may be being nice, but I am not going to” I shuddered.

Nothing he can say can make me feel worse than I already do, but that doesn’t mean it is not his job to lecture and correct me regardless, and trust me lecture and correct is what he will do. I cannot believe I was that irresponsible and immature and I know that whatever punishment I have coming tomorrow is justified, deserved and needed.

I never want to make that same mistake again and I know that with Chief’s help I won’t. I know that my bottom is not the only thing that is going to pay tomorrow. I know that I will have stricter rules set and he will watch me more carefully and that reassures me of both his love and his care for me to succeed.

I already have set my phone to military time so that the am/pm mix up will never happen again, but I know that we will be having a long discussion on what else needs to change to prevent not only me staying up all night again, but me being so irresponsible that by staying up I missed work. I am assuming my no weekend bedtime is a thing of the past.

I am truly remorseful and want to change so I will take this punishment humbly and obediently, even though I am so nervous I can barely type. Chief I am sorry I disappointed you and I will assure you that this will never happen again. I know you forgive me but I still need to pay for what I did and I also need to in time forgive myself. Thank you for loving me in spite of my irresponsibility and carelessness and for wanting to do everything you can to help me better myself and succeed. I could not ask for a better friend, lover or Dom. I am on my knees before you and I love you with all my heart. 

~cas[C]

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