Guilty Conscience ... :(

I pride myself on being honest. It is a very rare thing that I withhold the truth, especially from Chief. However, on occasion it does happen. And this is one of them, well kind of. I have not lied directly, but I have been keeping a secret the last few days that is eating me up inside.

As I have written before, I had been struggling with my submission the last month or so and just last week, we had a break thru and I was able to reconnect with it. That being said I know I am not perfect and I have gotten in trouble since, which will be dealt with next week. But I also made another mistake I am not proud of and since we have reunited in the D/s aspect of our relationship, it pains me even more to bring such disappointment to him. Also this week, we have been away from each other and had limited contact, something which is very hard for me to endure and I have been missing him dearly. So because of all that I have been holding it in, and even now I still cannot bring myself to tell him directly and so I am going to use this blog as my messenger…

I have this credit card, a credit card that I am not supposed to use except for emergency situations. He has made it VERY clear that it only be used for that purpose and especially never for something that I only want but do not need.  I know this; I know this well and yet a couple days ago, I totally went against that.

Well, I have been wanting to buy this specific thing for a long time now but knew that I didn’t have the money and that Chief would so not approve me using my credit card on something so unnecessary and foolish. I knew he would say “no” but I chose to do it anyways, without asking.

So without his knowledge, I spent the 34.99 I wasn't allowed to spend and bought it. I know what you might be saying…“that really isn’t a lot of money, it could have been a lot more, or that is not too bad”. But the thing is, it doesn’t really matter how much it was, it is the fact that I chose to do this on my own, not only did I not ask, I also knew full well that the answer would have been “NO”.

I think that somewhere in my pretty but not so smart brain of mine, I thought that if I didn’t ask, that if he didn’t actually tell me no flat out for this particular purchase, that it would somehow make it justified. It doesn’t and I knew it then and I still know it now.

Granted, the purchase is great and all and I enjoy it, but the fact still remains that I not only disobeyed Chief, but I did so deliberately and defiantly, knowing he would not have approved it and knowing I was not to use the card unless it was either an emergency or it was cleared thru him.

The guilt has been killing me for days and I can’t take it anymore. I am sorry Sir, I never should have used the card, and especially over something I didn’t need at all. And on top of that, I should have told you the minute I used it, instead of waiting several days to come clean. 

I know there will be consequences, for both things, and I am fully prepared to take them without begging or fighting. I am repentant before you, sincerely apologizing and humbly kneeling with my head hung low. Forgive me Sir, please forgive me. 

~cas[C]