This is a post I am not proud to share. Not that when I normally misbehave or act up, I am proud of those posts either, because I am not; but this issue specifically brings tremendous guilt and shame. I don’t even want to share it honestly, and Chief is not making me, but I feel it is necessary that I share not only the good times and the punishments that we go through, but also the internal struggles as well.
The last several weeks, I have been extremely stressed in my personal life, several things continually popping up and adding on to the layer before it so my stress level just keeps rising. That alone is enough to usually push me to where I start acting out and being defiant and have a hard time finding my submission, however that also is the time where I need it the most.
I wish that I could sit here and pass the last few weeks of my defiant and horrible behavior on the stress level alone, but I can’t. It is not the stress’ fault that I have been denying Chief the opportunity to truly dominate me. It is MY fault.
In fact the last month has not even felt like a D/s relationship at all, but more of a battle of wills; and me being a very stubborn girl, I was putting up a pretty darn good fight. In fact, I was essentially winning, even though I have been over his knee several times, my mindset was not there. It might have gotten there for a brief time, but then shortly after, my funk would return and the next battle would begin.
Instead of being grateful, I would get frustrated, irritated and defensive. It was tearing us both down. Him more than me, but even I knew there was a problem; I just didn't know how to fix it or what it truly was.
He has been trying to fix it though. He has been bending over backwards to help me and to be there as much as he can, whether it is being the shoulder to cry on, or the lap to be bent over, he has been there. And yet, I have been constantly pushing him away and denying my submission to him.
Not really intentionally, but it was there, always the underlying reason of our struggles recently. And it goes beyond my normal bout of stubbornness and sassiness that gets me into trouble. No, this goes deeper than that. I just got into a mindset of not wanting to submit, not wanting to give up that control, especially when all around me it seemed my life was spiraling out of control, so I was holding on to the only thing I could, my submission to Chief.
Unfortunately, that is so unfair to Him. He has been going above and beyond lately and instead of appreciating Him and all He is doing; I have been even more difficult, defiant and needy. I have been selfish and only focusing on my needs and my wants and what I feel like doing. I have forgotten what this collar that I wear is all about. I have forgotten my vows to him, my oath that I would give Him my submission, give him everything and that I long to please, serve and obey him.
It has been all about me the last few weeks. My needs, my wants, my feelings, my wanting his dominance to fulfill my need for it, crying on his shoulder because I needed to, venting my frustration in whatever way I wanted because I felt I had the right to; and I could go on and on… I am utterly ashamed at my horrible, ungrateful and very un-submissive behavior the last weeks.
The tension between us has been getting stronger and stronger. He has been trying to get in there and be there for me and give me his dominance and his love, but he also has been getting extremely frustrated because no matter what he has been doing, I have still been treating him with disrespect and defiance. He was at his wits end with me and had good reason.
Internally, I knew there was something wrong with my submission as well. I even wrote him an email a little while back telling him how I feel I have lost it and I’m scared that I can’t get it back. I didn't know what to do and we came up with a few ideas that might work for us. These ideas are still great things and need to continue to take place, but it wasn't enough for me to pull myself out of this selfish and devastating funk I have been in.
We both knew there was a problem but it wasn't really until today that I finally realized what it was. It is not the stress, it is definitely NOT Chief at all, it is ME. He has been doing his part in the relationship x10 and yet I have been giving almost nothing in return and the connection between us has been getting worse and worse because of it.
Somewhere along the way, I lost sight of why I am in this kind of relationship to begin with. I have a need to be submissive and to give myself to Chief; to serve him, to obey him, to love him, to… well… submit. I also have this need to be dominated by him and to feel his control and power over me, making me feel safe, loved and secure. It keeps me grounded. It is not just a need, but it is also a want. It is a want that I struggle with allowing myself to let go and be, but it is still a want. Lately I have been getting the dominance part of that need, but I haven’t been getting the submissive part, because I have been denying myself the chance to give it to Chief. The ironic thing is, I stubbornly fight this need to submit even though I truly want it and when I do fight it and my stubbornness wins, I am left feeling lonely, sad and ashamed, but when I give into that desire and truly give myself to Him, the feeling of freedom and peace is so liberating it makes me wonder why I ever fight it to begin with.
Now, in talking about how I lost sight of my own needs and wants, I also must add that I lost sight of Chief’s needs and wants as well, which is equally if not more important that my own. Just as I have a need to be dominated, he has a need to dominate me. And like I said, that need has been getting filled, it is the other need that I lost track of. My need to be submissive is just as strong as his need for me to be submissive. That is a need for him and here I have been so selfish in my own needs that not only have I been denying myself my need for submission, but even worse I have been denying him that need to be given my submission. He collared me, I belong to him. It is my duty and responsibility to make sure his needs are being met and that I am being the best sub I can for him and lately… well, I have failed miserably.
But thankfully, I have a new perspective, well not a new one actually, but the old one, the way it was in the beginning and the way it still needs to be. I didn't mean to get out off my path and lose my way, but it happened, subtly at first and then it just got out of control. Now it is time to come back to that place; the place where I stop fighting his dominance that I need and want so badly and that he needs and wants to give me; the place where I stop struggling with the ways he chooses to discipline me; the place where I stop arguing and negotiating and realize he is not asking me to do things, he is demanding; the place where I humbly think about why I am in trouble and being spanked and try to do better; the place where I will give everything to him and be the best I can be; the place where I will obey as opposed to being demanding; the place where I remember his needs and desires and where I strive to meet them; the place where I allow myself to be submissive for him and I respect his authority; the place where I am home…
So I want to apologize to Chief for my behavior over the last month. He did not deserve the way I have been treating him but rest assured, this sub is back on her knees and back in her place and I don't ever want to get to where I was again. In fact I even asked to be punished for it, which is HUGE for me because I don't usually ask for punishments. I am not sure if he was planning on doing something about it or not, but for me to truly feel forgiven and move on I must feel that I have paid for the last several weeks. It takes a lot for me to forgive myself, even if he has already forgiven me. I also want it to serve as a reminder, however the hurt and pain I have caused Chief during this time is reminder enough, but I just want the message driven home a bit more. I want to make certain that I even though I will still struggle with my submission at times and my stubbornness will continue to get me into trouble, that I will never fall into a funk as disrespectful and hurtful as the one I have. It is not who I want to be and it is not who Chief deserves. That punishment will be tomorrow and I am both fearing it immensely, especially since it includes things we have never done, but also yearn for it, so my slate will finally be clean and my conscience cleared and we can get back to enjoying our relationship, rather than just trying to make it work.
I also want to thank Chief because without his patience, love and understanding, I don't know if any normal man would have put up with me and my attitude and behavior the last month. If I had any doubt of his love before, or any reason to believe he was going to leave me, it is gone now. He is more than amazing and I am beyond blessed by him.
To Chief...
Proszę mi wybaczyć. Jesteś moim kompas i moja świecącą gwiazdą, a ja za tobą. Proszę kierować moją drogę. Bez Ciebie jestem zgubiony. Dziękuję za wszystko jesteś i wszystko co robisz. Bardziej niż cokolwiek cię kocham.
~cas[C]
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