I screwed up… (last Monday)

I’m sorry. It’s as simple as that. No excuses, no comebacks, no whining, just I’m sorry.

Today was a mess, a total mess, and it was ALL my fault. It all stemmed from me not listening to Chief and procrastinating like I have this horrible habit of doing. Well, all that and the combination of me not getting a minute of sleep, which for those of you who do not know… no sleep ends up with a cranky, stubborn, emotional, unfocused, irritable and sassy cas.

The morning started with me being grumpy from lack of sleep and snapping at Chief a few times too many, then on my way to the VA I was speeding, which of course is a big no-no, so I was in trouble for that as well. Then after my doctor’s appointment, my car broke down, which should be no surprise because it has been touch and go every time I get in it. I should have gotten it checked out WAY before now, but I am stubborn and well…usually put things off until I have no other choice. I was snappy, hot, and agitated while I sat in the VA hospital parking lot freaking out and getting way to emotional and ended up treating Chief once again with attitude and disrespect, especially when yelling at him and making him feel helpless because he could not be there for me and there was nothing he could do about the situation, which of course was all my fault in the first place.

I was able to get a tow truck to take me to this one car shop, which after talking to the guys there; I chose to go somewhere else. But then we had to get a hold of my insurance to get approval to go there which took over an hour. In the meantime, my phone was dying because I had to use it and of course forgot the charger. Luckily the nice tow truck guy let me use his charger, but I also found out that he was not getting paid for that hour and 20 minutes we had to sit in-between tows… again my fault.

Chief was supposed to be working on an important project but because I needed him for interpretation and support, he lost a whole day of that… my fault there too (do you see a pattern here?) I had to call my dad several times at work which could have gotten him in trouble which was… wait for it…my fault. Then there was the dilemma of getting me home. The bus is a great option as most would say, and I would agree that is a wonderful idea, but because of numerous days of procrastination and not listening to Chief when he told me BEFORE the start of the month to buy a bus pass because my car was unreliable; it was the middle of the month and of course I did not have a bus pass yet, yet again… my fault (ok, this pattern really needs breaking)

I finally get home 5 hours later than I should have, due to a nice tow truck driver and another nice family who picked me up walking; which is a blessing from God because I was wearing these horrible crocs I am not allowed to wear for walking because they offer no support for my weak ankles and my bad knee and if not for them, I know with my luck I would have fallen if I walked the rest of the way home. Several other things occurred during the day because of me, but that was the gist of it anyways.

Needless to say, Chief was a little peeved at me, just slightly you see. Well, ok, not really, he was PISSED. He wanted to blister my bottom and blister it he will. There was so much about today that could have been prevented if I had just listened and trusted him and done things differently. But instead I chose to procrastinate, and in some areas just flat out disobey him. I wasted his time (and even though he was happy to be there to offer support in the crisis, he really did have work he needed to do), my dad’s time, the tow truck driver’s time and money, and it will end up costing about $2,000 to fix my car. $2,000 that I so do not have I might add.

I know that I am in huge trouble and that I am going to be spanked and of course the fear and anticipation of that is immense, since I know the spanking will be pretty intense and I'm also worried about the money as well thinking to myself “I need a job, I am broke already, how am I gonna come up with money to fix my car, how can I get a job with no car, what am I gonna do?!”

By the time I got home and on Skype to face Chief about today’s mishap, I broke down, like I’m talking bawling my tired red shot eyes out, snot pouring out of my nose, can’t calm down enough to get a good breath in so I’m basically hyperventilating kind of meltdown.

And to be honest, it wasn’t just because of the upcoming spanking or worrying about the money that I was crying about. It wasn’t just because of my repentant heart. And it wasn’t that I hadn’t had any sleep last night either. I was just done, emotionally done for the day, and in my mind, the week and month as well. Sometimes I don’t realize just how much tension I’m holding inside myself until I crack and it comes out. It is scary to think about the crap I carry around inside me every day, and often it never gets released, for several reasons, but mostly because I am stubborn.

I started crying for the guilt and fear aspect, but I continued to cry because I needed to. It was healthy and good for me to feel bad about my actions and guilty, it was good for me to have that fear of the punishment to come, it was good that I was upset at myself for disappointing my Dom, but it also just felt good to cry and let go of all that tension.

I felt really bad for Chief. I cry, but I don’t normally have a meltdown like I did. It is one thing when I shed a few tears and I’m sniffling from a lecture or spanking, but it’s another thing to have a girl in front of you blubbering like a fool, totally distraught and a complete mess. So thank you Babe for putting up with me as wept like a baby. Like I said, I felt bad for him, but I still couldn’t stop crying and as soon as I would stop, something he said or I said would start me back up again. I am still crying and I am off to bed, which is VERY early for me since my bedtime is not until midnight. 

I need this sleep, but more importantly I needed this meltdown. I needed to feel the emotions of guilt, fear, worry, anticipation, etc… and then to release all of what I was holding in to bring me back down to where I needed to be. I am truly repentant and humble. I am brought down to my knees. My submission is at a high and i know it will let me drift into sleep without a worry or fear in the world. Something I don’t normally do when I let him down and know I have a punishment coming, usually I will stress and worry about it all night long. But after talking with Chief and then releasing all the stress, I know that I am safe and loved and that it will all be taken care of in the morning.

So in the end, even though I made a lot of mistakes and caused a lot of trouble and gave several people headaches, I needed to feel all of that and experience a day like that, so I could release the other stuff I was carrying as well. So in a roundabout way, since I needed what happen to bring me release, maybe the events of t0day really wasn’t my fault??

Ok, maybe not, but it was a good try.


~cas[C]