inside the mind of cas...

Sorry for the length...

Chief owns me. He doesn’t like the idea of me being owned, he refers to it as I belong to Him, but in all reality, He owns me. He is not a tyrant, but I am expected to please him and obey. He may listen and always bears in mind my needs and safety, but he still demands my submission and obedience.

But don’t think that just because he requires me to obey does not mean our relationship is a one way street. If I needed Chief to do something, he would do it. He wants to please me as well and to make me feel cherished.

But just as a quartermaster mans the wheel of the ship, so does he have consent to direct our relationship. I may say, “Sir, let’s check that over there”, and because Chief loves me, he would steer the ship that direction, but he still controls the rudder.

If I asked Chief to do something and he said “no” it would be because he had a reason for not doing it, even if it was something he simply didn’t want to do, I can’t imagine he would ever say “no” with the deliberate intention of hurting me. However, sometimes he doesn’t give me a reason for his response; he just says “no”.

He gets to do that, because he is in charge. He gets to make the decisions. If I don’t like it, I will tell him and he will listen. Sometimes he is swayed by me, but usually he is not. He has already taken my needs/wants/desires into account. But, even when he says “no” and I calmly explain my complaint, he remembers and listens to what I asked for. Sometimes he will give me something else later, something that satisfies my need but not necessarily in the way I had expected.

Now when he says “no” and I rebel against it or fly off the handle, he still listens but it doesn’t usually end well… usually it ends with me sniffling and rubbing my burning bottom and him still not caving.

But the funny thing is, if he doesn’t say “no” often enough, I start to get restless. It is those times when I might start asking for things that I know Chief will say “no” to, just for the comfort of hearing “no” and feeling protected and dominated, the comfort of having limits. Which brings me back to when I said he would never say “no” to deliberately hurt me; that is not entirely true because deliberately hurting is what punishment is? When he punishes me, he inflicts pain…sometimes physical, but always emotional.

And sometimes saying “no” is the most effective form of punishment, and or limit setting. It is not always about the spanking, but more often than not, it’s about the force of personality, the commanding presence, the stern look, the lecture… it’s about the power of words and sometimes that is saying “no”.

But that is what works for us. It is driven by my needs for limit setting, feeling strength, protection, romance… and my need for surrender. I need to hear “no” (whether it be arbitrary, decisive, or strong) in the same way I need his dominance in general. I crave it. With is I feel warm, loved, and submissive. Without, I feel lost, insecure and grumpy.

I need Chief to be in control, NEED it, not want, although I do want it as well. But just as I need to hear the word “no” and to be dominated, I also NEED to obey.

To me, obedience is not only a matter of respect for Chief and our relationship; it gives me a greater sense of security knowing that he is in charge of me. We consult each other on several things and discuss matters openly, but he is the Dom and I am the sub. He might consent to my desires and he might depend on my advice and my knowledge of things, but once he makes a final decision after we talked, than that is the way it is going to be, and I am expected to obey it.

By being obedient, I open myself to intimacy, trusting that he will do what is necessary for me and us. I don’t really submit to Chief out of fear; that is not the primary motivating factor for my obedience. It is true that the threat of a spanking or punishments always exist if I disobey, and the certainty of those consequences may motivate me, but my decision to obey is really a matter of respect and trust.

My submission to Chief stems from me knowing him so well and loving him so much, that I WANT to submit. I trust him not to abuse the authority I gave to him. It also fulfills my desire I have to be submissive to him and it would not be pure or as meaningful if it were something that was forced or came purely from obligation and/or duty to him.

Some people might think that if I am obedient to Chief, I lose my independence. It may be true that I lose some freedom of action, but doesn’t any relationship require the same? Neither is Chief free to do as he wishes. A relationship requires a sense of mutual obligation. However, if he requires me to behave or act in a certain way; I do so because I WANT to and because he has proven his commitment to me. By agreeing to obey him, I surrender to the discipline of our relationship. For me, it is not so much a sacrifice, as it is a way to connect to him in a deep and meaningful way and it is a way to show my love and respect for him.

I don’t understand how our relationship could work if it were based on equality. What does it mean for a man to be dominant if the submissive gets to pick and choose whether she submits to the Dom’s decisions? I am the first to tell you that it would weaken Chief’s authority and destroy the dynamic we have together. I have accepted my collar and in turn accepted Chief as my Dom. We have an understanding of “dominant” and “submissive” as equitable and complementary, not “superior” and “inferior”, and an acceptance of his right to sanction behavior that is harmful to the relationship or myself. This doesn’t mean mindless obedience either. He does not demand me to do something that is unethical or against my conscience.

And the fact that I obey him does not mean Chief isn’t held accountable as well. I will tell him when he has done something that I believe inappropriate and he wants me to tell him when I think he is screwing up. This is not contradictory; it is just part of a relationship. Feedback is important for growth. I can tell him things because I know he cares about me and values my opinion. I know he will take my feelings into account. And even though I bring this to his attention, it does not undermine his dominance or authority over me.

He is so confident in his role within our relationship, he is able to humbly accept my advice and yes, even my expression of disappointment in his actions. I would argue that any man who could not admit his failure and humble himself among his followers cannot be trusted and is not worthy of being a leader in the first place.

I cannot begin to express how grateful I am to have a Dom who loves me as much as Chief does; who isn’t afraid to tell me “NO”; who isn’t afraid to put his foot down and demand obedience; but at the same time, who isn’t afraid to admit when he is in the wrong and made a mistake. He is a gem, and I am rich. He might own me, but in turn he is also mine and I am eternally thankful. 

~cas[C]

A lecture was more than enough

The power of words will impact more than any form or physical force and this has been known from the beginning of time. Think of the impact of “Fore score and seven years ago” or “I have a dream” or even “Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country”. Those words were surrounded by a lot of violence and physical force, but what has stood the test of time were the words that were spoken not so much the actions that people did.

Now cas woke up on the wrong side of the bed and foul mood and temper were more than I could handle. I will not go into details but when I walked out to cool my brain, I think that’s when she realized that she had messed up. She went for a walk too to reflect the morning’s interaction between us, sat and wrote this incredible poem that not only she posted but also read to me.

When I got home there was a note to check the blog and I listened to it while reading along, and although I really liked it, I was still livid. She came home meek and quiet and when I saw her that is when I laid into her. The words that came rolling off my tongue were a compilation of feelings and emotions that had been bottled up for some time. The words were sharp as arrows and as I said each sentence I could see the hurt in her eyes grow to the breaking point.

It started with a single tear running from the inside of her eye down her cheek and grew until she was a blubbering, sniffling mess. She dropped to her knees and begged forgiveness and at that point I could see that she was completely broken, it was time to stop the lecture, the lecture that hurt her very soul, and reduced her to a point of surrender.

I reached down at that point pulled her to her feet, hugged her and tried to console her. This did not work at first and she didn’t stop blubbering to the point my shirt was soaked as she pressed her face against it. Finally after quite a bit of time she started to wind down (I think she ran out of tears) she sniffed a bit and said sorry one last time. I told her, “it’s ok baby, it’s ok” I realized then that my words were more than enough to handle this situation.

Chief [c]

i'm sorry Sir... (a poem by me)

I know I've let you down Sir, 

Caused more pain than you let show;

I can sit and say I'm sorry,

But it’s not enough I know.

You deserve much more

Than what I put you through;

But if you give me one more chance

I swear I’ll make it up to you...

There is nothing I can say that will erase the hurt I gave you;

I only ask for your forgiveness and faith in me to start anew.

I know that you need more from me, and time and again I always fail;

And maybe I'm not right for you, but I'm begging, please don’t bail.

I know that there are times where I act so selfishly;

I don’t treat you like I need to and my views are all I see.

But that is not what I desire and surely not what you deserve;

You give me more than I can ask for and now its time for me to serve.

I want to give you pleasure and to shower you with love;

Then moments like this morning come, times I'm not proud of.

I do not know what comes over me or what goes through my mind;

Its like my ears can hear again, but my eyes go blind.

I lose focus on the gift God gave me, the gift I don’t deserve;

The gift I need to love and cherish, the gift I should preserve.

So here is my new promise, my pledge, my word, my vow;

To honor, obey, respect and serve this gift that I have now.

If you wonder who or what this gift is, by now it should be clear;

Look no further from yourself my Sir, for it is you that I hold dear.

I love you so much and I'm really sorry Sir, please forgive me. 

~cas[C]

Credit = Money you don’t have

I am not going to get into cas’ financial situation, all I will say is that she doesn’t have a lot of spending cash. She is on a tight budget. So thirty-six bucks may not be much for some but like a lot of people who go paycheck to paycheck, that money could fill a gas tank or food toward the end of the month. I also have a philosophy that debt = slavery. I think that people should not go into debt for any reason except a house and your first car. (If you want I can explain my philosphy on living debt free, I have taught it to a lot of people and have changed lives. Just shoot me an email at qmc2112@gmail.com) So a while back cas and I talked (and yes we BOTH talked). I decided that she would not use the card without my permission.

Then comes the dreaded text, “Chief, please check our blog out.” I check it and let me just say, I was furious. For those who checked it out right when it got posted saw what she spent the money on. I had her change it because it wasn’t anyone’s business. But I can say it was absolutely worthless. I got her on the phone and told her that I was going to beat her butt.

Yesterday, I made the trip to her house and told her on my way to have the spray bottle and bath brush ready. It started with an intense lecture that included the three areas I thought she messed up with. One: She didn’t have the money to spend on such a wasted item. Two: She didn’t ask me to use the card, because in her words, “You would say no!” which to me was defiant.  And three: She kept it from me for days which in my book, “keeping the truth from me” is the same thing as “lying to me”. The lectured ended with her having to add $36 dollars to next month’s payment to her credit card.  

Before and After

Then I had her bend over the bed. I sprayed her bottom good and wet, and brought that brush down with a lot of force thirty six times on her bare bottom for the dollar amount and then some more for the defiance and lying. The sound was echoing off the walls and I ignored all her cries, pleas and begging. From the first smack her bottom showed signs of bright red circle and by the end it was already starting to bruise. I didn’t take pictures but she was blubbering pretty hard on the bed.

I comforted her and told her that it was over as I rubbed her back. She cleaned herself up and an hour after the spanking we had lunch and every time she winced as she sat all I could think of was she learned her lesson and she truly understands that she doesn’t need to spend money she doesn’t have and to never lie to me again.

Chief[c]

Guilty Conscience ... :(

I pride myself on being honest. It is a very rare thing that I withhold the truth, especially from Chief. However, on occasion it does happen. And this is one of them, well kind of. I have not lied directly, but I have been keeping a secret the last few days that is eating me up inside.

As I have written before, I had been struggling with my submission the last month or so and just last week, we had a break thru and I was able to reconnect with it. That being said I know I am not perfect and I have gotten in trouble since, which will be dealt with next week. But I also made another mistake I am not proud of and since we have reunited in the D/s aspect of our relationship, it pains me even more to bring such disappointment to him. Also this week, we have been away from each other and had limited contact, something which is very hard for me to endure and I have been missing him dearly. So because of all that I have been holding it in, and even now I still cannot bring myself to tell him directly and so I am going to use this blog as my messenger…

I have this credit card, a credit card that I am not supposed to use except for emergency situations. He has made it VERY clear that it only be used for that purpose and especially never for something that I only want but do not need.  I know this; I know this well and yet a couple days ago, I totally went against that.

Well, I have been wanting to buy this specific thing for a long time now but knew that I didn’t have the money and that Chief would so not approve me using my credit card on something so unnecessary and foolish. I knew he would say “no” but I chose to do it anyways, without asking.

So without his knowledge, I spent the 34.99 I wasn't allowed to spend and bought it. I know what you might be saying…“that really isn’t a lot of money, it could have been a lot more, or that is not too bad”. But the thing is, it doesn’t really matter how much it was, it is the fact that I chose to do this on my own, not only did I not ask, I also knew full well that the answer would have been “NO”.

I think that somewhere in my pretty but not so smart brain of mine, I thought that if I didn’t ask, that if he didn’t actually tell me no flat out for this particular purchase, that it would somehow make it justified. It doesn’t and I knew it then and I still know it now.

Granted, the purchase is great and all and I enjoy it, but the fact still remains that I not only disobeyed Chief, but I did so deliberately and defiantly, knowing he would not have approved it and knowing I was not to use the card unless it was either an emergency or it was cleared thru him.

The guilt has been killing me for days and I can’t take it anymore. I am sorry Sir, I never should have used the card, and especially over something I didn’t need at all. And on top of that, I should have told you the minute I used it, instead of waiting several days to come clean. 

I know there will be consequences, for both things, and I am fully prepared to take them without begging or fighting. I am repentant before you, sincerely apologizing and humbly kneeling with my head hung low. Forgive me Sir, please forgive me. 

~cas[C]

Feedback is Essential for Improvement

Feedback is important, and usually positive feedback (although is nice) does not help with growth at all. I find that constructive feedback is much more useful. Whenever I read reviews of products, I get more out of the negative comments because they address issues, where the positive comments usually are just singing praises. 

The key to receiving constructive feedback is not to let emotions play a apart in the listening process. Emotions will blind the person to what is actually being said. Having an open mind is also essential.

So cas yesterday was really feeling alone (me being in the Dallas area and busy and her being 4 hour drive away) and really needed attention. I had told her about a couple of punishment she is getting Monday and Wednesday, for behavior I will let her tell you about. And she broke down in tears more than I have seen in quite some time. After trying to console her and having zero success I was at my wits end. I texted her to give me some feedback with the following text: “Fill in the blank with action words, cas loves Chief because ________” This text was for her. This text was for her to refocus on what she loves about me. After I got her list I texted her “Chief could improve in the following areas: ____________ (you need to be 100% honest)” This was for my feedback. I had promised her in my vow to her “I vow to know you and to study you and dwell within you according to that knowledge.” Well this was my way to study her and find out what she needed. I had my list of things I needed to improve but I needed to know what was on her list for me to improve. Her list over lapped my list however,  there was things that were not on my list at all. So I took my mental list added hers and moved all of hers items to the top of my list.

cas's grade is Excellent!

After that was done, she turned my experiment on to me and asked me the same question of “Chief loves cas because _______________” and I was honest when I told why I loved her. Which I think made her feel good because it was a list of reasons I loved her and that it had nothing to do with her behavior. Then after some hesitation she texted me “cas needs to improve in the following areas”.  She jokingly said, that the list was going to be long. And then she received the following text, “************, ********** and *********” That is all that I see she needs to improve. (BTW that's between her and I) I can  tell you that she has an excellent score and doesn't need to improve much.




Chief [c]

Resurrected and Redeemed, i am yours....

Today is Easter and the celebration of our Savior’s resurrection. Through this miracle and total act of selfless love for us, Jesus conquered death and made it possible for us to truly live and be forgiven so that we may have eternal life in Heaven. He opened the door for us to find redemption.

                                                       

I am not comparing Chief to Jesus as being perfect; however, I am comparing him in that I think of Chief as like my earthly savior, offering me salvation from this downward evil path I so often turn to. Just as Christ has given us redemption on the cross, Chief has given me redemption in my collar. Now the cross itself is not the thing that provides salvation and eternal life (that is Jesus’ love and sacrifice), the cross is just the symbol we use to represent that gift Christ gave us; the same goes for the collar I wear, it's not the object that provides security, guidance, love and dominance, it is just the symbol to represent that gift Chief gives to me.

So on this day that I praise and thank Jesus for his redeeming love and most precious gift he can ever give to us, I would also like to use this day to thank Chief for his unconditional love and the best gift he could ever give to me, by choosing me, guiding me, and allowing me to be released from the restricting tomb I put myself in and rise up and be free to offer him the submission I so need to give. Just as I am humbled toward God and go to him on bended knees, I too go to Chief, humbled and on bended knees…

I kneel at your feet with my head down and eyes on the floor. You reach down, cup my chin and lift my face to meet yours and as our eyes lock, you penetrate into my soul. You see my submission, my respect and my love for you and I see your dominance, strength, and love for me in return. You stroke my face and I shiver from your touch, yearning for more.

When you collared me, I knew what you wanted. You wanted me, the real me, not the one I too often try to hide behind. You wanted me to be that submissive, yet stubborn and sassy cas you grew to love. You wanted me to never lose my spunk and always be true to myself and in doing so I would be true to you. You didn’t want a doormat; you wanted the mustang in me, my free spirit. You didn’t demand my respect and trust; you earned it.

Just as you knew what you wanted, I knew what I wanted, or should I say needed. I needed a strong and confident man who would accept my gift of submission completely. I needed a Christian man who would seek out God’s wisdom in guiding me and leading me on my journey. I needed a man who would tread the waters carefully when dealing with my heart, emotions, and insecurities. I needed a man who would accept my faults and patiently, lovingly and firmly deal with my stubborn outbursts and multiple failures. I needed a man that would watch me and learn how I think and what I need and then use that knowledge to help me grow and be who I was meant to be. I needed a man who would commandeer my heart, challenge my mind and dominate my body and soul. I found that man….in you.

You are responsible for me and you don’t take that job lightly. You don’t break me down and criticize my every flaw, but you loving correct and encourage me, lifting me up so that I may shine. Like a mechanic, you put so much time and energy in keeping me well oiled, maintained and controlled so I run smoothly and am where I need to be.  I occasionally break down, but you have the tools and the ability to repair me and get me back on the road again, the right road.

I find comfort knowing that I am yours to do what you want with, I might be nervous and outwardly struggle with that but deep down I crave it and it brings me joy and security; knowing that you would never truly hurt me, never ask more than what I could give, never demand more than what I could be. You know me more than I know myself, you see in me much more than I could ever fathom, and you know all my weaknesses and my horrors from my past, but accept me anyway and love me.

Every thought I hold, every word I speak, every action I make and everything I am belongs to you and is yours to claim and/or control. I truly desire nothing more than to serve you and make you proud, and although my actions do not always prove that, my entire soul longs to please you and give you the respect you deserve.

I belong to you because on that day when you offered me your collar, I accepted it and in turn gave you permission to take me as your own. A permission I did not give lightly and have no intention of taking back. You do not dangle your power over my head, you do not beat me into submission, and you do not manipulate me into staying. I am free to go if I want, but I stay out of my own free will. It is my gift to you. It is my acceptance of your terms. It is my complete surrender.

I am yours and I am content.

~cas[C]

running on empty + running my mouth = running into trouble

I don’t know what got into me this morning, but I was in a mood to say the least. We had a great evening last night and I slept pretty good, not enough but good. Nevertheless, I still woke up with an attitude.

I have this horrible habit when I don’t get enough sleep of rubbing my eyes and many times they get swollen, red and infected. Chief HATES this and gets on my case and usually my bottom about it all the time. Well, today was no different in that respect, except this time, add my sassy attitude and obviously it didn’t turn out so well.

I grumbled, pouted and just refused to listen to him. He snapped at me, telling me to either stop or go get a wet rag and instead of listening, while he wasn’t looking I continued to defiantly rub. He caught me off guard coming out of the bathroom and quickly turned me around giving me several HARD swats, he will say a few, but I am telling you it was more than a few, like at least 10 or more. Not enough to make me cry, but definitely enough to sting pretty good. I stopped rubbing but now was running a little late because I was moving slowly.

On the way to the zoo, I was still a bit frazzled from the morning and I missed my exit. I started to get riled up over it because I was also running low on gas. After freaking out to Chief about it, I realized that I just accidently confessed to letting it get that low. He has a rule that I am not allowed to let my tank get lower than a quarter full, which is a good rule and I even remembered seeing it low a few days ago, but just didn’t feel like filling it then and figured I would on the way to the zoo. However, I forgot and since i was running a little later, and because I missed my exit, I had to detour so I didn’t have time.

While snapping at Chief, he warned me that I was in trouble already and to stop with the attitude and instead of saying “yes sir”, I actually snapped back “I don’t care”. I don’t normally say that but like I said, I was in a mood. He informed me that I would “care” when I got home and at this I started to feel a little repentant and quiet. I asked what I was getting but he wouldn’t tell me, he just said that he would put it on the blog. I was so not happy about this, but I let it go.

He texted a little later at the zoo telling me the blog was updated. I was working in the python house so I had the time to check it and boy was I shocked. I hate the bath brush but I sort of expected it, but Icy Hot is like the worst for me and he knows it. I started pleading and begging and apologizing over text with him, but of course, it made no use, he was done with my sass and my “I don’t care” attitude.

I resigned myself to my fate. He told me that the spanking was not going to be that long but that the Icy Hot would make up for it. I actually begged for him to just spank me longer if he didn’t use that wicked lotion. He wasn’t having it though.

On the way home, I knew I had to stop and get gas, but the minute I was done with work, I started to get these horrible cramps. Now I am not going to get all female talk on you, but I will say that I am pretty irregular so I am never totally sure when it will come. With that being said, getting the cramps meant that it had started and as luck would have it, I am wearing brand new white panties and khaki pants.

If that wasn’t enough, I still had the problem of finding a gas station before I was stranded on the side of the road.  Why is it that when you don’t need gas, they are gas stations everywhere but when your car is running on fumes, you can drive for over 10-15 minutes and not see one? Needless to say, I started to get all flustered and sassy again. I wasn’t the only one running on fumes; Chief was losing his patience trying to get me to calm down. He warned me a few times to cool it but do I? Nope.

Finally, he snaps “Forget the short spanking missy, I am going to beat that butt when you get home, and still give you the Icy Hot so are you sure you want to keep this up”. That shut me up pretty quick, didn’t calm me down though as now I was worried about going home.

When I get to the house, he hands me my meds to take for my aching cramps and tells me to get in the bathtub to soak for a bit first. Yes, he is worried about my pain and well being in that gesture; however he also has an ulterior motive here. It will help relieve my cramps alright, but it will also get my bottom all tender, hot and wet for him; a perfect primer for the spanking I have coming… evil man I tell you.

He finally makes me get out; I begrudgingly obey but look at him with pouty lips. Not letting me dry off my bottom, and dressed in nothing but a shirt and collar, I am quickly tossed over his knee for a wet bare bottom paddling with the bath brush. He started with a few school paddle type swats then he just tore into me back and forth for what seemed like forever. Just as he said, it was A LOT longer than he was planning on and I was crying by the end.

I hoped we were finished and maybe there was a slight chance he forgot about the second part… but of course, I was wrong. As I started to get up, he pushed me back down, pinning me as he applied a gracious amount of Icy Hot to my already throbbing bottom.

For those who have never had the pleasure of experiencing Icy Hot, it starts out rather nice and soothing, getting your hopes up. But they soon get shattered as the comforting disappears and this intense burning replaces it. Because it was a pretty intense paddling, the Icy Hot hurt even more. I was squirming, sobbing, apologizing, and pleading to wash it off, while he held me over his knee and forced me to endure this scorching fire.

Finally, after I was reduced to a blubbering mess and promised to never again let my gas tank get below 1/4; he let me up and told me I could go wash it off. It doesn’t completely come off by the way, but at least it offers some much needed relief.

I have once again learned my lesson; I am snapped back from my little sassy mood this morning and I will not let my tank get that low again. I am a repentant and humble sub, curled up in my strong and wonderful Dom’s arms. Finding out that PMS was partly to blame for this actually comforted me a little, in that I was really trying to listen and behave better since Wednesday, but even so, it doesn’t excuse my behavior and I am very thankful I have a man who loves and cares enough about me to bring me back to where I should be when they happen. All is forgiven, all is forgotten and all is well…  

~cas[C] 

Running on Empty

      So cas helped me last night with my signing homework and we stayed up a little late. Cas woke up a little bit earlier than I did and when I woke with the smell of coffee (which I enjoy) and cas’ smile. 

      When cas doesn’t get enough sleep she has a problem with her eyes and she rubs them. My rule is that cas is not allowed to rub her eyes when they are irritated. The more she rubs the more her eyes get irritated and the vicious cycle starts. She knows this. So I look over and she is rubbing her eyes and so I take a sip of my coffee and tell her to stop rubbing. She gets a little grumpy and stomps her foot (this is her visual way of saying “Fine!”) I raise an eyebrow and she snaps back into her place. I tell her if she needs to rub to get a wash cloth with cool water and dab her eyes. She just huffs and continues to get around. 

      I come out of the bathroom and there cas is rubbing her eyes again. She sees me and fear shoots through her eyes. I spin her around and give her a few hard swats, and after yelping she gets around with out an issue. She dresses in her zoo shirt and name tag and out the door about 2 minutes late. 

      I have Good Friday off so I just sip my coffee and catch up on the news. She calls me from the car and she apologizes for the morning. I sip my coffee and tell her that’s ok. She says that she forgot her glasses and I told her that she forgot them because she was running late and because she had to get a few swats. Then in the next breath she yells “damn it!” I ask her, “What’s wrong?” She said that she missed her exit. I tell she has plenty of time and not to worry. Well then she starts freaking out on me and says, "damn and I am going to run out of gas." I said, "What?!, cas how low is your tank allowed to get?", She realized that she just admitted that her tank was below a quarter tank, which I don't allow. I told her that she was in trouble and she didn’t care. I told her that she will care after she gets done with the zoo. That snapped her back and she became very respectful and in a quiet voice she asked what she was going to get. I told her that she will find out on the blog.

To cas: you are getting the bathbrush and then IcyHot. 












Chief [c]

Welcome home baby, welcome home.

The last month has been eating at me, and then the last two weeks have been really testing my will. Let me preface this article by saying that I am extremely grateful to have cas in my life, She truly gives me more than she realizes, but I will get to that later.

Being a Dom isn’t easy. It is this delicate balance between love, guiding, discipline, and understanding. You want to guide them without breaking their spirit, and you want to break their stubbornness but keep their soul alive. 

I had made up my mind that I was going to snap cas back to where she needs to be and it was going to take more than a spanking to get her to come along side me and work together for her better good. I don’t use the word “NEEDS” lightly here. She needs to be submissive, although she fights it. She needs to be humble, it’s in her nature. She needs to follow my lead, even though she can be stubborn. She needs to be my sub. She truly needs these things, at times she doesn’t want it, but she needs it, it is in her soul.

Then as a shock she came to me humbly with eyes cast down and mumbled something to me. I lifted her chin and looked in her eyes and asked her to repeat it. She in a very quiet voice said, “Sir, I am ashamed at the way I am treating you…. Would you please discipline me? I need to be back to where I was.” Inside I was blown away, and beaming with pride. 

I go about discipline in one of two ways. I can either make up my mind on the spot and discipline her spontaneously or I think and pray about what I need to do and seek guidance in advance. Both have their place and needs however, this snap back was too important to rush into it.

For me I believe that discipline requires all of the following qualities to be effective. Discipline (or punishment) needs to be perceived as discipline and not reward. Discipline needs to be applied at the level of the offense (not to much or to little). Disciplines needs to be uncomfortable (or painful) for her, that pain can be emotional, or physical. And most importantly it needs to be fair.
          After seeding guidance I came up with her punishment, now I had the choice to spring it on her (which sometimes I do) or let her know ahead of time. I told her ahead of time just so that she could mentally prepare. She was shocked that I was going to do what I was to her. I told her that her punishment was going to be in three parts. Part one was going to be an intense paddling in the diaper position. She absolutely hates the diaper position, but not as much as she hates the next part. Part two was going to be the insertion of a butt plug while she got a paddling, followed by sitting on the butt plug for 15 minutes. Then part three was praying together. 
          She was humble the night before and kept telling me that she has snapped back and that she does not need the punishment. Well I know that was her nervousness and that if I did not follow through with what I told her that she would revert back to her old behavior in a matter of minutes. I just smiled, reminded her that she even asked for it (which proves that she needs it), patted her on her bottom and informed her that we were going through with this. She pouted and gave me the silent treatment. 
          I am not going to go through the actually punishment, you know what we did. All I know is that the prayer together was very powerful and I felt a connection that we haven’t had felt in a long time.

P.S. I am putting this post up today and may I say that cas’ behavior is amazing. She is back to her old self and it warms my heart that she is soooo respectful and caring. I am so proud of her in so many ways and like I said at the beginning of this post she gives me more than she realizes. She gives me her submission, she gives me her respect, she meets my need to be dominant, she helps me in so many ways that I could fill pages with what she does for me.           

To cas:

Chief [c]

shameful confession...

This is a post I am not proud to share. Not that when I normally misbehave or act up, I am proud of those posts either, because I am not; but this issue specifically brings tremendous guilt and shame. I don’t even want to share it honestly, and Chief is not making me, but I feel it is necessary that I share not only the good times and the punishments that we go through, but also the internal struggles as well.

The last several weeks, I have been extremely stressed in my personal life, several things continually popping up and adding on to the layer before it so my stress level just keeps rising. That alone is enough to usually push me to where I start acting out and being defiant and have a hard time finding my submission, however that also is the time where I need it the most.

I wish that I could sit here and pass the last few weeks of my defiant and horrible behavior on the stress level alone, but I can’t. It is not the stress’ fault that I have been denying Chief the opportunity to truly dominate me. It is MY fault.

In fact the last month has not even felt like a D/s relationship at all, but more of a battle of wills; and me being a very stubborn girl, I was putting up a pretty darn good fight. In fact, I was essentially winning, even though I have been over his knee several times, my mindset was not there. It might have gotten there for a brief time, but then shortly after, my funk would return and the next battle would begin.

Instead of being grateful, I would get frustrated, irritated and defensive. It was tearing us both down. Him more than me, but even I knew there was a problem; I just didn't know how to fix it or what it truly was.

He has been trying to fix it though. He has been bending over backwards to help me and to be there as much as he can, whether it is being the shoulder to cry on, or the lap to be bent over, he has been there. And yet, I have been constantly pushing him away and denying my submission to him.

Not really intentionally, but it was there, always the underlying reason of our struggles recently. And it goes beyond my normal bout of stubbornness and sassiness that gets me into trouble. No, this goes deeper than that. I just got into a mindset of not wanting to submit, not wanting to give up that control, especially when all around me it seemed my life was spiraling out of control, so I was holding on to the only thing I could, my submission to Chief.

Unfortunately, that is so unfair to Him. He has been going above and beyond lately and instead of appreciating Him and all He is doing; I have been even more difficult, defiant and needy. I have been selfish and only focusing on my needs and my wants and what I feel like doing. I have forgotten what this collar that I wear is all about. I have forgotten my vows to him, my oath that I would give Him my submission, give him everything and that I long to please, serve and obey him.

It has been all about me the last few weeks. My needs, my wants, my feelings, my wanting his dominance to fulfill my need for it, crying on his shoulder because I needed to, venting my frustration in whatever way I wanted because I felt I had the right to; and I could go on and on… I am utterly ashamed at my horrible, ungrateful and very un-submissive behavior the last weeks.

The tension between us has been getting stronger and stronger. He has been trying to get in there and be there for me and give me his dominance and his love, but he also has been getting extremely frustrated because no matter what he has been doing, I have still been treating him with disrespect and defiance. He was at his wits end with me and had good reason.

Internally, I knew there was something wrong with my submission as well. I even wrote him an email a little while back telling him how I feel I have lost it and I’m scared that I can’t get it back.  I didn't know what to do and we came up with a few ideas that might work for us. These ideas are still great things and need to continue to take place, but it wasn't enough for me to pull myself out of this selfish and devastating funk I have been in.

We both knew there was a problem but it wasn't really until today that I finally realized what it was. It is not the stress, it is definitely NOT Chief at all, it is ME. He has been doing his part in the relationship x10 and yet I have been giving almost nothing in return and the connection between us has been getting worse and worse because of it.

Somewhere along the way, I lost sight of why I am in this kind of relationship to begin with. I have a need to be submissive and to give myself to Chief; to serve him, to obey him, to love him, to… well… submit. I also have this need to be dominated by him and to feel his control and power over me, making me feel safe, loved and secure. It keeps me grounded. It is not just a need, but it is also a want. It is a want that I struggle with allowing myself to let go and be, but it is still a want. Lately I have been getting the dominance part of that need, but I haven’t been getting the submissive part, because I have been denying myself the chance to give it to Chief. The ironic thing is, I stubbornly fight this need to submit even though I truly want it and when I do fight it and my stubbornness wins, I am left feeling lonely, sad and ashamed, but when I give into that desire and truly give myself to Him, the feeling of freedom and peace is so liberating it makes me wonder why I ever fight it to begin with.

Now, in talking about how I lost sight of my own needs and wants, I also must add that I lost sight of Chief’s needs and wants as well, which is equally if not more important that my own. Just as I have a need to be dominated, he has a need to dominate me. And like I said, that need has been getting filled, it is the other need that I lost track of. My need to be submissive is just as strong as his need for me to be submissive. That is a need for him and here I have been so selfish in my own needs that not only have I been denying myself my need for submission, but even worse I have been denying him that need to be given my submission. He collared me, I belong to him. It is my duty and responsibility to make sure his needs are being met and that I am being the best sub I can for him and lately… well, I have failed miserably.

But thankfully, I have a new perspective, well not a new one actually, but the old one, the way it was in the beginning and the way it still needs to be. I didn't mean to get out off my path and lose my way, but it happened, subtly at first and then it just got out of control. Now it is time to come back to that place; the place where I stop fighting his dominance that I need and want so badly and that he needs and wants to give me; the place where I stop struggling with the ways he chooses to discipline me; the place where I stop arguing and negotiating and realize he is not asking me to do things, he is demanding; the place where I humbly think about why I am in trouble and being spanked and try to do better; the place where I will give everything to him and be the best I can be; the place where I will obey as opposed to being demanding; the place where I remember his needs and desires and where I strive to meet them; the place where I allow myself to be submissive for him and I respect his authority; the place where I am home…

So I want to apologize to Chief for my behavior over the last month. He did not deserve the way I have been treating him but rest assured, this sub is back on her knees and back in her place and I don't ever want to get to where I was again. In fact I even asked to be punished for it, which is HUGE for me because I don't usually ask for punishments. I am not sure if he was planning on doing something about it or not, but for me to truly feel forgiven and move on I must feel that I have paid for the last several weeks. It takes a lot for me to forgive myself, even if he has already forgiven me. I also want it to serve as a reminder, however the hurt and pain I have caused Chief during this time is reminder enough, but I just want the message driven home a bit more. I want to make certain that I even though I will still struggle with my submission at times and my stubbornness will continue to get me into trouble, that I will never fall into a funk as disrespectful and hurtful as the one I have. It is not who I want to be and it is not who Chief deserves. That punishment will be tomorrow and I am both fearing it immensely, especially since it includes things we have never done, but also yearn for it, so my slate will finally be clean and my conscience cleared and we can get back to enjoying our relationship, rather than just trying to make it work. 

I also want to thank Chief because without his patience, love and understanding, I don't know if any normal man would have put up with me and my attitude and behavior the last month. If I had any doubt of his love before, or any reason to believe he was going to leave me, it is gone now. He is more than amazing and I am beyond blessed by him. 

To Chief...

Proszę mi wybaczyć. Jesteś moim kompas i moja świecącą gwiazdą, a ja za tobą. Proszę kierować moją drogę. Bez Ciebie jestem zgubiony. Dziękuję za wszystko jesteś i wszystko co robisz. Bardziej niż cokolwiek cię kocham.

~cas[C]